Today, I loved.


These past few days, my world has been full to the brim with love.

* * *

jones_solo

Valentine’s Day: My first date in months with the man I love. A beautiful meal in a small restaurant with candles and roses, a stroll along the coast by the light of the stars, and a late night movie wrapped tight in a quilt. I learned things about him I never knew, like the fact he would pick being a Jedi over being a spy because simply nothing beats the power of The Force, most especially when your Master is Liam Neeson. In return, he learnt (with disgust) that I would pick Indiana Jones over Han Solo because I would brave bugs in a lost temple over battling laser equipped robots. I wrote a card to him with promises that he’d forgotten I was so busy keeping, and he made me a video message reminding me that we are stronger than I know. On Valentine’s Day, I loved.

15th February: Today, we fought. The romantic spirit had carried us all through yesterday and left us feeling empty and disappointed, crashing back into reality. Everyone feels like something will change when they have a night that good. So we griped and snapped, and cried and laughed, and made up and tried unsuccessfully to feel ok that nothing had ultimately changed. Not every day can be worthy of remembrance, not every day can be that special. We were two pieces of a jigsaw that night, clinging together despite the fact that the fit wasn’t quite right. But it was in darkness and in the soft thump of his heartbeat that I smiled. Through all the rage and upset and distance I was shoving between us, I loved.

16th February: The mundane tasks of everyday had a shine to them. Bubbles sliding off glass on the draining board cast rainbow light on the wall. Vegetables bouncing into the trolley gave a jolly ping against the metal. You poked your tongue out at me through the steam hissing over the sausage casserole before landing a wet kiss on my cheek that I wiped off with my sleeve. I told you that today I could see our future and you nearly cried because I haven’t been able to say those words for what feels like an age. You stopped me watching my favourite show just so you could hold me and say thank you, though you didn’t say why. Everyday life with you is not mundane or dull. It is bright and new and shiny and fun and it is why I loved you today.

 17th February: We went for a walk today. Even though the sun was bright and the sky was blue, it was freezing and we ran shivering down the street, promising to never leave the house without a coat again. We browsed in the home ware section of a large department store, turning our noses up at the price of bedding and toying with the idea of buying a chandelier, playing grown-ups. The smell of street food lured us in to the buying of the most unhealthy donuts we have ever eaten, smothered in sugar and chocolate sauce, but it was ok because our diet starts tomorrow. Traditional Sunday Roast was the task once home, and I watched as you peeled and chopped, and brought in the laundry, and forgot for a moment that we have any flaws. It is your ability to blindfold me to the harshness of life that made me love you today.

 * * *

Tomorrow: Tomorrow, I will love.

Help! I’m becoming extinct!

Change is something we must face every single day. Some days, it is welcome. Other days it scares us, intimidates us, manipulates us into believing what we have here and now is the only reality worth living.

But that’s the question isn’t it: what is our reality?

How can we ever know if the life we call Real is the truth, is what we deserve, what we have earned? Why should we accept, day after day, the reading of the same dull newspaper at the same scuffed table laden with silences? What does it mean to go to sleep in the arms of someone you love only to wake up and not see that same person reflected in their eyes?

Found in the 'Mirror'

Found in the ‘Mirror’

I only ask because recently, I have had to change. Like a creature on the brink of extinction I have had to adapt to a new environment, despite the fact that I believed my old one was the safest one imaginable. Now what I have around me is breathable air, fertile ground, clean flowing water…and yet I don’t fit. I don’t recognise this place. It is so new and raw that I find myself missing the messy world I came from. I miss life taking my breath away; I miss revelling in the strange alien plants that have grown all around me; I miss trekking miles before finding a drop of clean water. I didn’t want this change.

And so I am faced with the age old cliché that has reared its ugly head at any renowned protagonist.

Fight or flight?

In some ways, this is not even a question. I am the person who would choose fight every time when it came to life. I would strive against power and strength, magic and myth, no matter how fruitless my efforts would be. I would fight for what is right and I would fight for wrong if that was needed. I wouldn’t hesitate to bellow a heroic war cry at the top of my feminine lungs and charge into the depths of the enemy with the certain knowledge I would not return.

Today however, I am a different person. Change has changed me. I have fought and fought only to realise that the person I have been fighting is myself. And I am done fighting myself. I am in a place with everything I need to keep me alive and yet I am nearing extinction because the only impulse I have is flight.

Until I hear you beg me to fight harder.