I am a planner. I plan what I do, when I’m going to do it, and what that will achieve. I plan until I feel secure that that plan will lead to happiness.
So, in a way, I always know the end before I am even halfway towards it.
The past year has been one Hell of a ride for my partner and I, but I got us through it by planning our way out. I made lists and timetabled talks and implemented activities to pull us through the hard times. I re-established a bond through planning, and so have faith in it when I feel lost.
But now I have a problem. I feel lost and I cannot find my plan out of it.
I mean that literally. I know I sound like an incredibly strict person but I’m not. I don’t sit up in the dark hours of the night scribbling a schedule for the next day, working it out to the minute. I simply know myself and know the man I love well enough to know what we need and when we need to do it. The plans sort of appear out of thin air, dangling tantalisingly in front of me until I calm down enough to see it and grab hold, waiting patiently for it to haul me out of the current crisis. I find my plans because they find me.
Right now though? Nothing.
This terrifies me. Like in an outright, freaking out, crawl-into-a-shell-and-never-come-out-I’ve-decided-I’m-a-snail kind of way.
Which got me wondering…why? Why is it that having no solution scares me so completely? Do I believe that my relationship will fall apart because for the first time in two years, I don’t have a fix?
No. I have more faith than that. I have more faith in love. I have more faith in him. He wouldn’t let me go. I wouldn’t let him let me go.
And that’s the strange, hypnotic thing about love. Over time, it changes you, there is no denying that. You have to decide whether those changes are healthy ones, ones that make you a better person…but once you make that choice, you have no real control. Love is the control. Love is the deciding factor when lost.
Love is the plan.
So, for now, I’m just going to close my eyes, sit back and hope for the best. And let love plan the way out for once.
…I’m such a romantic.