Extra-Terrestrial Relations

Let’s start with a cliche:

Everyone makes mistakes.

Never heard that before... Source: http://thetikitakalondon.wordpress.com/2012/10/14/interlull-half-time-boring-boring-yawn-boring/

Never heard that before…
Source: http://thetikitakalondon.wordpress.com

True, we all nod our head in a vaguely bored, accepting sort of way when we hear those three words. We use them as an excuse for when we slip up: I’m only human, we all make mistakes. And we do. There are times when even the best of us mumble along in speech, digging a deeper, colder, lonelier grave beneath our feet as we go. We insult, accuse, condescend. We misunderstand, misinterpret, mis-communicate. We reject, scoff, and scorn.

We have all been the victim to a lot of mistakes, especially in love. There are relationships where people say ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it’ so many times it’s easy to lose track. This apology can work up to a point. It works because of the truth of the statement we started with. Everyone makes mistakes, so I can forgive you, you didn’t mean to. The problem arises however, not when it’s multiple mistakes that are made, but when it’s the same mistake over and over again. 

It’s at this point that the apology grinds. Because there’s a hard nugget of pure honesty inside us all: you know that not everyone makes the same mistake over and over. You know that if the same mistake is made twice, then the apology becomes meaningless, because if it was meant the first time it wouldn’t have happened the second. You feel that if they loved you as much as you loved them that they wouldn’t be so human as to make mistakes. For when love is involved, you elevate the person you love to a state of more-than-human, held to unspoken promises and assumed rules.

(An eerie, alien state, not achievable with our puny human minds.)

Then comes the anger. It’s not evident at first, because you love them and don’t want to start a fight. But it’s there, waiting to be noticed. And when it does, you are faced with an impossible swell of feelings. You demand apologies that you know you won’t accept because you’ve been angry for so long you won’t believe them any more. You want gestures and touch and whispers to make it better – whilst hating being in the same breathing space as them. You fight all those fights you put off at once, and make it so much harder to pull through that you’re in danger of losing sight of that love you started with.

When reading this objectively, it’s easy to see where the thought process gets distorted and sets up impossible barriers. In fact, it seems so obvious that it’s almost a pointless thing to say. But when it’s happening to you, when you’re in the moment, there is nothing but acute betrayal and anger. There is no room left for forgiveness, not straight away – and that’s ok.

It is because we are human that we hurt and get hurt, and it’s that very same humanity that means it’s alright to be upset for a while after mistakes are made.

This is a lesson that has taken me a long time to learn. For years in my relationship, I have forced myself to shrug off repeated mistakes and hurts, to put them down as innocent error. To an extent, I believe I was right to do that, for there are times when pettiness and quarrels can – and should be – avoided if possible. But at the same time, I began to realise that I was doing that at the cost of tiny portions of myself. I would chip away at my own ethics, my self belief, my self worth, my passion and reactions. I would keep myself in check when an argument arose because I was so terrified of hurting him.

I was so terrified of hurting him that I forgot how much he hurt me in the process.

Everyone makes mistakes; we are all human.

We are all human; we all love.

We all love; we are always learning.

When love comes along it seems such a miracle, such a treasure, that we covet it. We cradle it in our hands and wrap it in cotton wool, swearing to protect it forever. But that woolly little bundle is made of everything we had and everything we were before we were in it: which means it can still be ugly sometimes, it can still be human despite our expectations of it. Those fights, those battles, those arguments, those tears and shrieked insults are what make love beautiful: surviving in the face of all that, and with acceptance of it is the true miracle.

So when that joyous bundle hurts us, we should say so. We shouldn’t balk from shouting out in protest or expressing our rage. Equally, we shouldn’t shy away from sitting someone down and calmly explaining what they’ve done and how it’s made us feel. We should do whatever we can to ensure that we don’t ever simply sit in silence and take it. You lose yourself to love in the silence.

And you’d be a fool to let yourself disappear.

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IT’S FRIDAY…

happy

…and I wish to sprinkle a little happy on the week before diving head first into the weekend.

Just for a moment, let go of the big things. Of the worries and stresses and schedules and expectations.

Humans are only tiny little beings, a dusty speck on the timeline of history – we can’t always shoulder the weight of the world.

So for a second, look for the good. Cherish the smile of a stranger on your way back from work or school; get excited about your favourite colour; dance to a song vibrant with memories; look for the brightness that makes you YOU, and cradle it. 

The way I see it, humans are incredible. Precisely BECAUSE it’s the little things that count the most.

‘I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.’
– Audrey Hepburn

audrey hepburn happy

The world does not amount to a spanner

We’ve all been the victim of what we call ‘one of those days’. You know the one-where eleven different people seem to be asking you eleven different favours and to be in eleven different places at one time. Nothing goes right. Your blood pressure soars through the roof.  You spill ketchup down your front when you eventually take a minute to shove some food down your throat.

And you aim a sly kick at your innocent cat for yowling too loudly while you work.

I seem to have had countless numbers of these days, believe me: I am the QUEEN of these days. Not only do I display all of the above symptoms, I am also prone to angry outbursts of long lists of everything in life that is worrying me. These are lists that go back not one day…but YEARS, bursting open old wounds and making the situation sound so much worse than it is so that I can justify my awful behaviour.

Which is why, when I receive a call from my boyfriend and he’s practically breathing fire at me down the phone, I understand completely where he’s coming from.

‘The car is broken, the brake light is gone, I’ve cut open my hand, there’s no one around who can help and I can’t find the bloody spanner!’ …were his main problems.

*Cue the sudden pressure thrust upon you when your partner is having (a somewhat minor) crisis*

My mind manically sifted through all the times this situation was reversed and he said something comforting to me, but realised me saying his signature ‘I love you, it will be fine’ would probably enrage him further.

It is times like this in life where we should all just take a step back (myself included) and stop, just for a minute. The problems won’t go anywhere while you stop to think how to fix them. Sometimes, one of the biggest problems we have is being unable to let go and accept temporary defeat. We may be the dominant species on this planet but it does not make us little gods. We cannot change everything that happens to us.

…So what did I tell my boyfriend?

 

I told him to breathe.

I told him to stop throwing the spare tyre around.

And I told him that the world does not amount to a spanner.